Monday, September 27, 2004

Thinking aloud

Head pounding.
eyesight blurry.
nervous twitches in fingers, knees, feet, and toes.
Head still pounding.
Brain whirring.
Thinking starting....
Head pounding.
Eyesight blurry.
Eye lids drooping.
Mind tripping.
Head Pounding.
Thinking dying.
Need water.
Must study.
One more blog...
Head pounding.
Must stop.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

A prayer

War. How much longer can we go on killing eachother until we run out of souls to murder? How much longer can we continue fighting until we realize we are only hurting ourselves? It isn't the Muslim's fault, it isn't the American's fault, it isn't Iraq or Iran, it isn't Europe, or Australia's is humanity's flaw. While I know that we may never achieve peace throughout the world, I can still hope for peace of mind for my own life. May my life never intentionally hurt another, may my life seek to uplift another, and may I be a light in a dark place.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Today I wanted to tell God to go away. You see, He's been bugging me for days now, telling me we are having problems with our relationship. It is true. While we still may speak, there is something wrong. I just haven't known what to do about it. I told Him last week that if He wanted me to "prove it". He hasn't left me alone since. I'm in a constant state of knowing that I need to spend some time with Him yet still not knowing how exactly to get the connection back. I suppose the old favourites should do, you know, "read your bible and pray" but it is hard to read when your over-analysing writing style and it is hard to pray when you can't listen. These are excuses. I know it. So does God.

It has gotten to the point that it is painful to know that God is so near and I am so unwilling or unable to contact Him. The pain wakes me up in the morning and I numb it by turning on the radio. I keep my anaesthesia going all the way to the shower when I busy myself with what to do for the day until I can make it back to my anaesthesia.

This morning was different. The anaesthesia didn't help. It actually made it worse. I needed some relief. I found my way to the floor and with head on the bed I asked for help. I said I didn't know who to talk to, but I needed someone. I just needed to get through the day and feel somehow connected again. Nothing happened.

I got an email later that morning. Dad said "we need to talk". So I rang him first chance i got. We chatted about this and that and finally he asked, "How is your spiritual life?" My father has never before in my memory asked me that. I didn't want to tell him. Somehow though, I didn't want to lie. I told him it wasn't good, but i didn't go into detail. Somehow he knew what to say, though. He told me that I'm never alone. God is going to be there with me. Whatever happens to trust the plans that He has placed in my heart. He has put them there for a reason and not to give up on them. Most of all not to give up on Him.

Coincidence? It could be. But I choose to see it as devine intervention when i needed it most. Maybe I am being naive, maybe I'm giving God too much credit, or maybe not enough, but either way, somehow I was touched.I know I felt God's fingers brush away my tears and tenderly caress my heart.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

I'm so tired. My eyes have nearly mutinied on me, refusing to open again after a blink. My legs are tired, they wobble with every moment. My brain gave up working long ago and left signs that read "Will be back when replacement body arrives". How can this be? We are all supposed to be a team, my body, brain, and me. Sure we're going to have a few rough spots but as soon as we've watched all the new episodes of CSI, I've promised to treat us to a nice long nap. Why are all of you giving up on me? I promised I would let you rest soon. If I give you lovely sweets, you still don't work well. It is only when I abuse you by feeding you nasty vegetables that you suddenly realize the danger that your in and start behaving well! Why can't we just get along, my body, brain, and me??