Monday, November 29, 2004

A letter from the Home Office to the People of America

The following was stolen from Melody's Mind Cave. (sorry mel). It was too good to pass up. Please realise that this entry is said with tongue in cheek and ENJOY!

A letter from the Home Office to the People of America

In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of Your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP; for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.

You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and "neighbour", skipping the letter "U" is nothing more than laziness on your part.

Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters.You will end your love affair with the letter "Z" (pronounced "zed" not "zee") and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix "burgh" is pronounced "burra" e.g. Edinburgh.

You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to getconfused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour likenancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens a side by 2005.You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde.

The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Shit". French is the first language of a country called France which is in Europe. Europe is one of the continents in the world other than your own.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips.

Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager.From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists.The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.And this ought to teach you Americans not to abuse the right to vote.

Friday, November 26, 2004


Guess what everyone! I'm finished with exams! I just finished (moments ago) and i'm now ready to....wait...i'm not ready to do anything...i want to go to bed. That sounds like a better idea than planning where i'm going to live for the summer, packing boxes, or even snogging Chris! [oh my!] Goodnight everyone...i hope to meet you all in my dreams!

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

my rant for the day

After doing a bit of searching, I have been unable to find any social justice blogs worth mentioning. I can find some serious political blogs but I still fail to find what I'm really looking for. So maybe I'll be the small voice that cries out for social awareness. PLEASE PLEASE realise your impact on the world. We only have one world, we all are one people. Don't just leave all the work up to god because, by the look of things god has left the solar-system.

Then again, you probably don't care. You have things to do. You have events to plan for. You can't take time out to worry about the family in Iraq, the starving Asians, or the aids victims in Africa...These are all far away. Let someone else worry about them.

Its funny, as I was growing up I often thought that the holidays season was supposed to be about being nice to those who were less fortunate than I. Today I think it has always really been about reminding myself how lucky I am not to be one of those "other" people. I don't like this ideology. I'm starting to think the whole holiday season is just bollocks!

Monday, November 22, 2004

Friday, November 19, 2004

set, lights, and videotape

I have recently finished my 3 minute short film. i would like to say it is Oscar material, but i think i would be lucky if it were tropfest material. I do like it and it says exactly what i want it to say, but...i suppose an ethical stance on war is probably not the most popular thing to be saying right now.

I was reading this article and it said the most common cause of world hunger was war. There was a protest in America against the Palistinian and Israeli conflict a while back. One of the posters said, "Today I helped Kill a Palistinian. If you pay taxes, so did you!" It is horrifying to think the country that so loudly promotes Christianity, so lavishly spills (or helps to spill) blood on the basis of enthic cleansing, racial discrimination, or greed.

Sorry if i have offended anyone...but as the song says, "paranoina strikes deep".....

Tuesday, November 09, 2004


For the last two days i've been running around mad, like a chicken with its headcut off, trying to get a major project for one of my classes done. As i would run between one building and the next i would pray, begging God to help me get the project done on time. Well i guess God didn't have the power to help me squeeze 5 weeks of work into 3 days...but he did have the power to convience the lecturer to extend the due date til 22 Nov. WoW! so much time! Believe me, i'm not waisting my time. I'm working quite hard at writing this blog....searching for pics on the net (for my project, HONEST!)....and um...eating...

So keeping with the working hard tradition...i'm going to lunch!

Monday, November 01, 2004

living on borrowed time

I currently have an essay due today (which i have an extention til wednesday for) an essay due tomorrow, a major project due sometime in the next few days and i'm typing a blog entry! WTF am i doing!??? to go.