stream of consciousness writing

I haven't had much to say lately, not because my brain malfunctioning, i just don't know where to start. I once had someone tell me to start writing and i'd figure out what needed to be said. So here i am, writing, without much of a purpose other than to get a few things off my chest.

The big thing at the moment is mortality. I have never had a problem with death. Or at least, i have never had a problem with my own death. Not that i'm suicidal, i just don't fear it. Yet, somehow when other people die or it becomes apparent that they could leave my life, i get clingy. How dare they be removed from the land of the living! Like with most of my life, i am terribly selfish. No one should die before me.

Saturday mocked me.

As i sat in church i heard the prayer for Mimi. Mimi is a dear friend of mine. She is my adopted grandmother. She is always so concerned for everyone else. The prayer ended. The pastor got up to speak the sermon. He prefaced his sermon with the announcement that Mimi had suffered a stroke that morning. I left church and called the hospital.

She was "stable" i was told. The rest of the day i spent on the verge of tears wondering what "stable" meant. Could she speak? Was she mobile?

It was that evening i found out that another woman i was close to as a child passed away. Mama K was the stern yet funny old lady who had a day care in her home. She looked like a grandmother. She treated everyone like they were her children and their business was her business. I loved her. I brought her back a spoon from Australia for her collection. She was very excited. I didn't see her again for several years. I wasn't sure she remembered me when i saw her at a friend's wedding. That was the last time i saw her.

The weekend was emotionally exhausting. The week has been numb. But Mimi gets out of hospital today. She is doing well. She has all her movement and a little slurring of her speech, but she's okay. I think i will be too.