Today i cried for more than twenty minutes. What were the cause of my tears? it was something that my OT lecturer said. "and He (GOd) kept his promise to the isrealites and dwelt among them". I suppose you're thinking that there is some great spiritual meaning that i got from this. This isn't the case. In all fact, what i thought of was the fact that my own father had not been able to keep promises to me. Then from there i went into what my father has done. The main cause for my tears was the fact that my father refuses to be a man and really help out around the house; take some of the pressure off my mother. The fact is, my father causes more pressure than he alieviates. What if this kills my mum? It happened to her mother...it could very well happen to my mother. Then there is the issue with my brother. My father treats him like crap. What kind of a man does my brother have as an example then? The simple truth of the matter is, as far as my father is concerned, he doesn't have a "man" to model his life after. My brother has too go looking OUTSIDE the family for his role models. So i guess i was mourning my father's inadiquies as a man, as a father, and as a friend. This brings be back to God. Can God really fill this gap, speicically in my life? Is He really *everything* that i need or just part of it? Does he cover over the anger wounds that my heart has or is He able to REALLY heal them? I know the cliched answer is taht he is able to heal...but he often will use other people to do it. So then, why does that feel like he isn't really doing HIS job? If He had done His job in the beginning, would i have such a dud for a dad? Maybe it was His plan for me to turn out this way from the beginning...i don't know. But i am hurting. That is all i know for certain right now. I am hurting so much. I feel so much pain. i typed out what i wanted to be able to say to my father while i was crying. It is a page long. it is in all caps and everyother sentence contains the word "fuck". I suppose i should destory it or send it. I'll probably do neither. I just feel like i can't breath.